I had an epiphany recently. I had been trying to figure out why I walk away from some conversations with well-meaning married Christians feeling discouraged. I feel like recently some of the conversations I have had with married Christians have left me feeling awkward or heavy. I feel as though I wrestled with picking up a burden that others were unknowingly passing on.
Singles and marrieds can both feel uncomfortable with singleness in themselves or others. As singles we may want to figure out why we are single or a well meaning married person may want to figure out why their friend has not gotten married and offer advice to help them.
I really believe that God's good gifts to us (including marriage and singleness) are a result of His grace. These gifts are not deserved and they cannot be earned. So when someone that has received the good gift of marriage tries to figure out why a single person hasn't received the same gift, it may be because God hasn't given them that gift right now. As a single I want to be able to receive the gift of singleness with confidence of His goodness and love towards me.
A few comments that I have heard recently are...
"Does your ministry not allow you to date?"
"Why are you still single?"
"Maybe you view God as a harsh father who doesn't want you to have good things."
I finally realized why these conversations may feel so heavy. Hearing comments like this can tempt me to feel that I don't measure up to a standard, and for me I can equate that to not being acceptable to God. I wonder how many of us when we feel that we aren't being accepted by another person can equate this to not being accepted by God.
When I hear someone give advice or question why I don't have something that they have and value greatly such as marriage, I can very easily feel like I am not acceptable to them. When they also offer me advice it feels as though the advice is meant to lead to a certain outcome, for example marriage that will then make me complete or acceptable "like they are". For me I can easily translate this into being accepted by God as well.
I realize this is a slippery slope that can easily turn into legalism. Legalism is trying to obtain something by one's own effort, trying to earn favor or a right standing with God.
When people give advice or "How To's" or try to figure out what I need to do to change my situation it can end up feeling like I need to do something to measure up to a standard to obtain acceptance or become acceptable.
When I hear someone give advice or question why I don't have something that they have and value greatly such as marriage, I can very easily feel like I am not acceptable to them. When they also offer me advice it feels as though the advice is meant to lead to a certain outcome, for example marriage that will then make me complete or acceptable "like they are". For me I can easily translate this into being accepted by God as well.
I realize this is a slippery slope that can easily turn into legalism. Legalism is trying to obtain something by one's own effort, trying to earn favor or a right standing with God.
When people give advice or "How To's" or try to figure out what I need to do to change my situation it can end up feeling like I need to do something to measure up to a standard to obtain acceptance or become acceptable.
God gives his gifts in His timing and they are a result of His grace.
God lavishes His gifts on us no matter what state we are in. We may have a bad haircut, imperfect views of God, or a really poor attitude. He can use singleness or marriage to work on these areas, to refine us, to make us more like Him.
As I experience His grace, spend time in His word, and grow in community I begin to have a proper view of God and His acceptance of me. In community we need encouragement, correction, and people to come alongside us and to show us areas of weakness. We may need people to step into our lives and encourage us to change our hairstyle, rely on God to change our attitude, get more physically fit, or work on our finances to name a few. But I think the important thing that as marrieds and singles we need to recognize is that these things don't result in God's gifts and grace. His gifts are gifts. We all want to be prepared to receive them, but we can't make them happen.
He gives the gift of marriage not because we have spiritually arrived, have a perfect view of God,or have worked through all our issues.
He gives the gift of marriage not because we have spiritually arrived, have a perfect view of God,or have worked through all our issues.
Marriage and singleness are both beautiful gifts and mysteries given by God for His glory and in His perfect timing.
Right now because of His grace, and very thankfully I am enjoying where God has me! What about you?
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." - Galatians 1:10
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